Life's to short to have a cow...........

So tonight has to be the worst night of my life. I'm sufffering from a lack of sleep foremost. But can deal with that as long as I get a nap, at least a small one. I'm typing blind because my son destroyed my glasses and I needed to take out my contacts. he also ripped all the keys off my husbands work laptop and lani and myself spent two hours putting them back on.

Let me give you a bit of background so that you can see where I'm coming from and why this is the worst night of my life. Starting on Aug 27th (my 5th wedding anniversary). My parents decide to break it to me that they are getting a divorce. Im shock and horrified, feeling as many kids do when their parents decide to take the splitso route with their marriage. Of course I can yell and scream and tell them how they have never tried and they are both being very stupid. But ultimately I'm still the kid and they are the parent. And they are going to do whatever it is they want anyway. So begins a very long and painful road of being tossed about to choose someones side and try to NOT feel uncomfortable when talking to either of them or feel like if you talk more to one then you love that one parent more. This is hard no matter what age you are dealing with it. Ultimately my parents are better off being divorced, but I took it so much harder than I have ever imagined I would. Aug Sept Oct were very rough months for me emotionally. While dealing with all of this I had to find a way to continue my normal life and still care for my family when all i really wanted to do was sit and cry most days. I was constantly being called and having to talk over the phone and rehashing the gorey details. Which in hindsight I should have put a screetching halt to to save my own sanity. But for fear of hurting either parent I did nothing but listen. So begins the tale of being emotionally vomited on. I'm the queen of taking others vomit. I'm to nice for my own good and I am always of the mind set, I can save the world. just give me a chance. One not so nice person once told me "Kelly you can't save the world no matter how hard you try, so give it up and stop being trying" I've never profest to being a martyr or ever wanting that job title. But whats wrong with trying to make the world a better place, one person at a time. Why else would god put us on this horrid earth to endure the crap of the world. But slowly cynicism is encroaching in on me and i'm feeling more like just that. I can't save the world even one person at a time. All that ever ends up happening to me is that I get emotionally ripped apart by people who become so involved in their own feelings and their own emotions that they wont even give you so much as the benefit of the doubt. During the time that I found out about my parents split, we moved into a larger home after selling our starter house and I began to homeschool. My life has taken on that whirlwind look and i can't seem to keep up with everything no matter how hard I try. I'm being sucked into this abyss of yuck. its a dark abyss with everyone tugging at me to do this or do that or want me for something even if its as small as going to the mall. Sorry for the rhyme. Even now as I'm typing my thoughts swirl in my head and I can't even get some organizational grasp on any of them. Tonight I found out that a friend whom I love with all my heart is going through something. What I dont know, but seems that she doesn't want to be my friend anymore. Shes taken the last few months to heart and feels that I am pushing her a way. That isn't the case. i feel that even tho the evidence might point to something other than innocent motives that she should at some point give me the benefit of the doubt and realize what kind of situation I myself have been going through. I can't seem to keep up with the 30+ phone calls a day that I get. My husband calls me from work or should I say IM's me from work to clean out the message box after only 2 days because no one can get a hold of me. After checking the now 50 voicemails I feel like I'm swirling in a drain like the water being let out of a bathub and I'm not going anywhere that I just keep swirling around and around. I figure heck if there are 50 today the same 50 will be ther tomorrow. In th midst of checking those voicemails, I'm writing out bills, changing poopy diapers, screaming at caitlin to stop chasing the dog around the house, and to stop stealing christians toys to make him scream, sending her to time out, all the while listening to her telling me how she wants a new family and that she doesn't like me anymore. Seems no one does...so why would i think any differently from her. ive even made my daughter mad. And I stop for that brief moment to think, I need some calgon. And I look around for someone anyone to rescue me. And yet there is no one, just me. Alone. No one to come take my kids or to fix dinner when I'm way to tired to do it, or just take the kids to the park so i can have a shower finally after three days. No one will ever know or imagine the complexities of being. Not only tonight did I have to deal with my daughter tantruming worse than she ever has or fearful that the cops would be called to find out if I'm killing her but to find that your husband feels that way about you and to find it out from another person is hurtful. Tonight my whole world came crashing down to a pile of rubble. My friend Lani, by the grace of God was here to rub my back as I sobbed. I cried for me for a change and grieved for myself and the circumstances of the CRAP going on inside my life. For the eargerness to escape the drama that seems never ending. All I want is to raise my kids, be happy, drink coffee, scrapbook, garden, read sark books, and take pictures. But I'm so busy trying to please everyone else in my life that I never EVER have time for me. CALGON TAKE ME AWAY!!!!!!