Sharks game with my Pal

So Tuesday Night L and I went to the Sharks game. One of the best games I've seen in a long time. Mr. Hertl had the crowd pumped up and San Jose loves him. Hoping this is our year!! 

Getting ready for the game! 

Sharkie being Sharkie

L noshing on a big Ed

SCORE!! 

L and I at the start of the game. 

HAPPY 3rd Birthday lil guy!!

My Daddy

Rest in Peace Daddy. I love you and miss you with my whole heart. The thing I will never forget is when he put his hand on my cheek and said, "I love you sis". I miss his hands. 

Pictures of Dad with his Family

ME SO HAPPEEEEE!

OK, so... I just need to say that the school year is getting off to a great start! YAY!  I know its still the "honeymoon" period.  But the kids really are loving school.  I wasn't so much worried about Caitlin as I was Christian.  He was completely vocal about NOT wanting to attend "regular" school and would really much "appreciate it" if I home-schooled him.  His words.  Seriously.  We prayed about it and really felt like we should put the kids in school.  Not public school, but Private school.  My kids are intelligent.  No really. Very intelligent High IQ's and all.  Me, I'm of average intelligence.  Now I'm not saying I couldn't home-school them, but I feel that they, right now, would be better served in a strong private school setting.  Plus God said so.  Who can argue with that?  Anyway, Christian comes home happy every day.  I haven't seen him in a foul mood since he started.  He really likes his teacher a lot.  I'm relieved. Really relieved.  Caitlin comes home tonight to tell me whether she has made the Jr. High Volleyball Spring Team and the 7th Grade Volleyball Fall team.  I'm anxiously waiting. Either way I told her I would put her on a team to improve her skills.  She really loves the sport.   FINGERS CROSSED!

Think Good Thoughts.

My favorite lyrics in this song are: 

So I'll quiet down the devil

I'm gonna knock him in the head with a shovel

And I'll bury all my trouble underneath the rubble

AND

I'm not saying that it's easy

Especially when I'm moody

I might be cursing like a sailor

Til I remind myself I'm better

Cause words can be like weapons

Oh when you use them you will get them

Oh oh but I'm not gonna let them take away my heaven

        This song is my Anthem. I know what you're thinking. It wont be my forever anthem.  It's just something that will uplift and keep me going for today.   A song that when I feel like absolute crap or when I  have allowed someone's words or thoughts to tear me down; it will bring me back to life again.   Getting through today so I can make it tomorrow is my priority. 

At its best, this song describes what its been like to live in my world/head for the last 2 years.  Before we moved to Ohio, I was an exceptionally strong individual.  However, I noticed that I was falling on my face more and getting back up slower and slower.  Ohio knocked me on my ass; so much so I wasn't getting back up often.  Ohio kicked me in the head repeatedly.  Ohio made me lose my spirit and my drive.  My hope was lost.  Ohio, the place I once ran away from because it was killing who I wanted to be, I ran back to.  I thought I was doing the right thing and in the end it was very wrong.  God allowed us to make the decision.  Its not really that it was the wrong decision, it just wasn't the best decision.   Now I'm in the middle of rebuilding myself.  Strengthening myself back up to take on life/kids/marriage.  My kids are in school.   Surviving. Enjoying. Kinder. Gentler. Happier.   I've had time just in the last few days to re-evaluate where I am and re-train my brain to think differently.  I've been following RealTalkKim on Twitter.  She just has a natural authentic mature way of looking at the tough stuff, the things that get to you every day.  She uses basic concepts, things we already know to encourage us.  None of it is brain surgery.  She reminds us of what we already know but refuse to hear or pay attention to.  

Today, I was running up the stairs on Communication Hill today and I was screaming my workout playlist inside my own head; because lets be honest, NO ONE wants to hear me sing; and this quote popped into my head.  Its my own. I'm kind of proud of it.  "The moment you stop letting others negative thoughts, words and attitudes about you, affect the way you see yourself, that is the moment you are truly free".  For the longest time I've allowed the fear of what people think of me or what they say to affect the way I think of myself.  The people who truly know me, truly know my heart, are the ones that matter the most.  And ultimately the only one that really matters is God.  He is the only one I have to be accountable to at the end of the day.   So, every day, when someone says can't, or shouldn't, or won't, or something mean,  I will say to myself .....

THINK GOOD THOUGHTS  

New favorite Spot

Communication Hill.  My new favorite spot closer to home(my other spot, hill above the Golden Gate Bridge). You can see so much from up there.  The world doesn't look so big and bad when you are standing above it.

The "R" word will always have power.

The "R" word is NOT empowering.  The idea that "words only have as much power as you give them" is a whole line of BS used by those who just want to be given permission to say whatever they want.   The "R" word will always be negative.  How could it ever have a reason to be used in polite society  for any other purpose than to hurt others?  How could someone even think that it would be ok in the first place?  The "R" word has power regardless of how strong a person can seem.  No one can truly let it just roll off.  It becomes a stigma,  because no one wants to be seen as less than they are, regardless of their mental abilities.  But the stigma affects everyone.

Every day I look into my kids eyes who are differently abled in one way or another.  My 2yo who can't quite talk and we don't know why.  We don't know what his disability is that is keeping him from being able to express himself.  I have nightmares about kids who hear adults repeating it or saying it as though it is any other word equivalent to "rock" use it towards one of my kids to make them feel less.
The "R" word hits me like a brick.  It rattles my insides.   The "R" word is powerful. Any word that is used to hurt, abuse or torment another has power.  My 11, 9 and 2 year old children don't have the maturity to let words like that just roll off.

Heath felt the stigma.   What he felt could have lost him a beautiful child.  I'm proud of him, excited that he sees her as the beautiful gift God created.

Compassion.  Learn it.   Live by the old adage, "if you have nothing nice to say don't say anything at all".


Heath White On his daughters Down Syndrome.

Long time no Post

So its been awhile since I've posted.  So much has been going on. Stuff I probably should be blogging about privately or otherwise.  However for now I will just post some pics of the kids.  Things we've been doing.  Sometimes the best therapy is to look back on the pictures you take during the happy moments and realize, things aren't really that bad.

Jelly Belly Factory Tour

Monterey Bay Bike ride 

Gabe Relaxing! 

Tech Museum Camps

First Days of School

The kids have had amazing first days of school.  Caitlin has spent the first few days trying out for the Girls Volleyball Teams.  Christian spent the first two days doing Robotics.  They are excited and love their new school, which makes me super happy!! There is still a bit of anxiety going on with how Christian will handle the pressure from a school that expects a lot.  I know he can do it, he's smart, but its high pressure that we pray he learns to deal with.  Gabe is attending preschool.  He LOVES it, kisses me goodbye and runs off to play.  He loves the play structures and the toys.  

What the h*** is my problem....

No Seriously!!!  The last several weeks I've felt like absolute crap.  Just really tired, no motivation to do anything and just an overall sense of blah.  (I've had to magically conjure up some motivation from somewhere, not sure where it comes from) The last few months have been filled with "gitt'r done" kinds of tasks.  Its been an overwhelming pile of do this, do that, dont forget those.  Loads of work to get simple things going, like kids in school.  And then theres this overwhelming nagging to get together with friends because I don't want them to think I've forgotten them. All the while burning myself out.  I've always loved being a mom and doing tons of things with my kids, museums, hiking, water parks, bike riding.  But I'm just not enjoying that much either.  I feel like I could sleep for weeks, yet when I lay down I can't get to sleep and when I do, my sleep is full of crazy dreams that make me feel like I'm not asleep at all. You know the ones??

I have three amazing yet challenging special needs kids who need me ALL the time.  We have doctors appointments, specialists, OT, Speech, Early Intervention, SARC, school testing, school meetings, orientations.  At some point my head is going to straight up explode.  They are so smart and I'm so proud of them.  I feel unintelligent in their presence most of the time.  Nothing like getting corrected by your 9yo and not knowing enough about the topic to ascertain whether he's right or not.  Sometimes it gets on my nerves.  

Tonight I had to cancel dinner with an awesome friend.  I felt like poop and I didn't want to pass on my 'mood' to her.  She's so positive and just full of awesomeness, I felt a bit less than worthy of being honored by her presence.  I'm sure it would have made me feel better in the end, but having to expose her to my 'mood' wasn't something I felt I should do to her.

I'm sure all this plus the added stress of walking away from some family that has been less than encouraging in the past two years, and the upcoming anniversary of my mom passing has added to the already overwhelming lack of peace.  Still after four years I think, 'Oh I should call mom and tell her about blah'.  Only to realize Mom doesn't have a phone and isn't here to call.  So I call my friend.  But she has way to much on her own plate to deal with, her own family, her own set of stuff like the rest of us.  So I sit here, at Baja Fresh and Blog.  Hoping that I can pull out of my head all the crazy thoughts, stress, annoyances, and in the end I  will feel just a lil bit better.   

San Fran 2013

So part of the fun of being back and Bringing Gabby along is that we can be total tourists for three weeks in between the unpacking.   I had to take the girl to San Fran.  You can't be here and NOT go.  Its such a beautiful place.  People are crazy, but its just a fantastic place to visit.  

This is my absolute favorite spot in the world (well I haven't been outside of North America, I've traveled a lot in North America, but not outside of North America).  The hill above the Golden Gate Bridge.  How beautiful is this!  One of the many reasons I LOVE it here.  Just Gorgeous! 

Gabby and the kids at Alcatraz. 

This was the funniest thing we saw in San Fran.  Such a cute dog! 

This is the other direction on the hill above the Golden Gate Bridge.  Looking towards the Pacific Ocean from the Mouth of the Bay.

C and Gabby striking a pose on the hill above the Golden Gate.  They really loved this spot.  I really dont want to share it, but seeing as everyone in the world loves this spot too, I guess I'll have too. 

A different point on the hill.  You can see San Fran spanning from the left to the right. 

Gabby and the kids posing along the fence on Alcatraz. 

Overlooking an old housing complex for the Guards and their families on Alcatraz. 

Just a bit of goofiness going on.  CP pretending to lift the Rock.

The main Dock on Alcatraz.  This was once taken over by Indians which is why you see the paint that says "Welcome Indians". 

They wanted to keep me but I got out.  

CP and C walking around the prison.

G listening to the audio tour.  Kept him busy and quiet. 

On the hill overlooking the ocean and an old Barracks.  

More Barracks. 

Our tickets

G loved wandering around with his "Monkey Backpack"  AKA the leash.

Beautiful flowers were growing everywhere on Alcatraz.  Such a beautiful place.